Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since my ACI. Today I’m doing well as far as the cabin fever goes, but last weekend I was very restless. I am an extrovert, I love people and talking with them (Oh hush, I can hear my friends and family laughing in agreement!). I found by my 3rd Fuzzy session that I was about to go crazy with anxiety. I felt I was chained to my CPM machine and it made me scream…literally people not figuratively…ask Brad it wasn’t pretty or my finest moment (ranks up there with nude crutching). I am thankful for my friends and family who have stopped by, given food, or taken me to get my nails done! (Thanks Bonnie!) A special thanks to my friend Ricia who has carted my butt all around NWA for church events! And thanks to Dawn who has stayed and listened to my ramblings many long nights.
The first week was painful, but I was on drugs and just watched TV and movies. The next week I introduced fiction, because nonfiction was too hard to grasp still without falling asleep. The 3rd week I was able to studying for my high school youth bible study that I am able to hobble to now. During the 3rd week I could also get to the restroom by myself as well!! Amazing feeling! And as my 4th week comes to an end I am no longer on drugs so nonfiction is back on the table. I am able to get around better and go on short trips into the real world between my rehab sessions. But why am I searching to fill my time?
My question is why can’t I be still? I know I am supposed to be still and just know (Psalm 46:10), but that is harder said than done especially with cabin fever and the anxiety and depression that can come with it. I remember a few years ago I told one of my high school youth girls (you know who you are!) that they needed to work on being still before God and really listen to what he has to say. Because only when we are still and quiet will he whisper to us. For the Lord is in the whisper, not the wind, earthquake, or fire as Elijah found out during his depression. (1 Kings 19:11-13)
Well here I am, needing to tell myself the same thing. (Love and hate it when everything comes back around!) I guess when we are super busy and we finally take time to slow down and smell the day lilies (who has roses anymore??) we feel like we have really achieved something in our character growth because we have shown we can fit God into our time…how nice of us to fit him in. But when I am faced with “all the time in the world” it’s like pulling teeth to be still….anything and everything looks good to fill my time with. Distractions, distractions, distractions are what I seek. It’s about discipline and for this only child it’s also about instant gratification. I want to know God better right this instant, without paying my dues…which is being still, reading his word and really listening for his whisper.
So this is my challenge in life and where the Lord has me right now, as much as I don’t want to admit it. (De-Nile is a river in Egypt!) I have cabin fever, but it is my choice how I will choose to spend this time (Which I know I will never have this again so I better take advantage of it!) If I am to move on to the next life phase I must be still and know that He is Lord and not miss his whispers. All prayers are appreciated!
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