The Mental Side….

I want to write about the mental side of this surgery, something in which cannot be fully understood unless you have traveled the same road.  Not being able to walk without the aid of crutches for 3 months sounds annoying on paper, but is also depressing and painful in real life.  So much so I need to give myself a pep talk almost every morning that this too will be over at some point and I pray that my knee will be healed.  I can no longer jump out of bed to go do things or retrieve something.  Every one of my steps has to be planned out and I have to look for obstacles in my way that would trip me up.  And forget carrying anything for a great distance.  I have figured out how to stuff my clothes with things (thanks to my adult sippy cup and the aid of zip lock backs to carry food!).  My back pack also helps me get things from one room to another which is a great help even though I look like a college student cramming for finals.

My husband said it best, “In what way does it make sense to cut someone open to make them better?”  They have to rip open my skin to see what is hiding in the depths.  And after they do this there are no guarantees that my knee will fully recover, just good odds.  Every day I look at my scar and try to imagine all the things the doctors have done to my knee just underneath the surface to bring healing.  I cannot see what they have done, I can only feel the painful effects and hope on the promise of healing and new life. 

Isn’t this just like my relationship with my Creator?  Sometimes I feel I do not see Him in my life, but He is always just underneath my surface.  And I am reminded that He is working because of my scars I bear for Him.  I feel pain of the fire as He refines and molds me.  He has to cut me open and expose my hidden sinful depths before I can begin the long process of changing my character.  He promises healing and new life just as my doctors have for my knee, but praise the Lord He has better odds than my knee recovery does!   Healing from this is not easy, I have to do the work to get to my end goal.  I cannot sit back and “let” life happen.  I have to be an active participant in my life and make the hard decisions to keep going.  It is very painful, but I am not alone.  You are not alone. 

Surrounding me is great support during this strange stage of my life, and I want to thank every one of them.  Thank you for reminding me that this too shall pass, and I will be stronger because of it.        

For today this blog serves as my pep talk, that as of now (almost 2 months in) I cannot walk without crutches but I will soon.